Yesterday I was on an adventure to find out why did God create us? Was it for friendship? To be worshiped? To be praised and glorified? Why oh why did God create us. If He knows all and knows that Adam and Eve were going to sin and break fellowship with Him why did He still go on making us?
Here is what I found:
Gens 1:1 In the beginning God created Heavens and Earth.
-so this tells me that God created Earth and Heavens. And this word Heavens translates as the cosmos, not Heaven and Hell.
Gens 3:22 God intended on mankind living forever until Adam and Eve sinned.
- Now this is telling me that once God created us that He desired to have eternity with us on earth. We also know that God walked with Adam and Eve in the garden BUT Adam and Eve never saw God.
John 1:3 All things were created through Him
-(Jesus the Word) So Jesus was there before Time and when creation took place it happened through Jesus Christ.
Acts 17:25 God does not dwell in temples made with human hands. Nor is He worshiped with men's hands as though He needed anything, since He gives to all life, breath , and all things.
- This is the most key verse I found. The first part of it tells me that God does not dwell in things made with mans hands. So, God is not "in" church! We don't have to go to church to find God. Church is a bunch of friends getting together to share something in common, much like a super bowl party would be. The second part tells me that GOD NEEDS NOTHING. So this really messes with me. If God doesn't need us then why did he put us here? Not for amusement or entertainment because He doesn't need that.
Then one more verse I found. Gen 1:26 Let US make man in our own image.
I think about back in the old days or even over in East a King or Ruler will have a statue made of himself to claim that he is ruler over that land.
I think God has done this as well. But we are the statue. We are what God uses to claim His ruler ship over this world. But is that why he created us, to rule over something?
So all this and I still didn't get the answer I was hoping for. When Jamie came home yesterday I had written this question on our mirror, hopping to get some feed back from him. What he said messed me up big time....
"Why do you want to have children?"
Do I need to have children? No, but I want to have them....
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Whats this all mean?
BEFORE READING THE NEXT TWO POST PLEASE SKIP DOWN TO "THERE IS A LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNEL" THEN READ THE NEXT ONE UP, THEN THIS ONE. IT HAS AN ORDER TO THE STORY. YOU WONT UNDERSTAND THIS BLOG IF YOU DONT READ THE LAST TWO.
So whats this all mean? Everything that I have blogged about.
- Sick of the To Do list
- Not feeling comfortable with Jamie about spiritual stuff
- Rejection
- Questioning God when He has proven himself over and over again
Well, I think that I have figured it out. Growing up I have felt rejected. And what comes with rejection? Striving for peoples approval and attention. So my whole life I have searched for this approval of others. My brother, my dad, my mom, friends, men, drinking, and even wanting children for this unconditional approval.
When I first became a Christ follower I was inadated with this love and approval. I got lots of attention. Well, after 4 years of being a Christ follower this attention has slowly faded. And in order to receive more of this attention I had to become super Christian. I volunteered all the time, I was a prayer worrier, I slowly aloud my relationship with God to become a works based relationship. I would think to myself if I didn't do certain things that God wouldn't "meet me". Not only that, I cared so much about what everyone else thought about me that I believed what "they" told me to believe. This leads into why I was so uncomfortable with Jamie. One of the faiths that I had taken on was one that was completely opposite from what Jamie had believed to be true. So once Jamie and I began dating I was tyring to impress two totally different people. Which as you could imagine was very hard. (Especially when you don't realize what you are doing).
So where am I now with God? Well, slowly finding MY OWN FAITH. Not what my pastor, mentor, friends, say is to be true. But to find out for myself, who is God. The excitement of "counting it all garbage" throwing it all away, to begin my own belief and faith has driven to a deeper longing then ever before to read about Him. Not everyday or in the morning or because someone wants me to, but because I want to know who my God is.
So whats this all mean? Everything that I have blogged about.
- Sick of the To Do list
- Not feeling comfortable with Jamie about spiritual stuff
- Rejection
- Questioning God when He has proven himself over and over again
Well, I think that I have figured it out. Growing up I have felt rejected. And what comes with rejection? Striving for peoples approval and attention. So my whole life I have searched for this approval of others. My brother, my dad, my mom, friends, men, drinking, and even wanting children for this unconditional approval.
When I first became a Christ follower I was inadated with this love and approval. I got lots of attention. Well, after 4 years of being a Christ follower this attention has slowly faded. And in order to receive more of this attention I had to become super Christian. I volunteered all the time, I was a prayer worrier, I slowly aloud my relationship with God to become a works based relationship. I would think to myself if I didn't do certain things that God wouldn't "meet me". Not only that, I cared so much about what everyone else thought about me that I believed what "they" told me to believe. This leads into why I was so uncomfortable with Jamie. One of the faiths that I had taken on was one that was completely opposite from what Jamie had believed to be true. So once Jamie and I began dating I was tyring to impress two totally different people. Which as you could imagine was very hard. (Especially when you don't realize what you are doing).
So where am I now with God? Well, slowly finding MY OWN FAITH. Not what my pastor, mentor, friends, say is to be true. But to find out for myself, who is God. The excitement of "counting it all garbage" throwing it all away, to begin my own belief and faith has driven to a deeper longing then ever before to read about Him. Not everyday or in the morning or because someone wants me to, but because I want to know who my God is.
Life changing
As we were finishing up at Guy and Carrie's house we prayed. While everyone was praying God reminded me of when I first became a "Christian". Before I knew about the To Do lists. I never had a "quite time". I didn't have a time of day where I would talk to God. I talked to Him all day. I read the word when I felt like reading the word. I was walking with God all day everyday. What happened ? Now I would open the bible because that's what I was told to do. I would allow God in my life during that 1/2 hour quite time but then forgot He was there the rest of the day.
We finished up praying and said our good byes. On our way home Jamie and I decided to try this "exercise" that Guy had told us about. Guy said, as one of you prays for the other, allow God to show you or tell you something and the first thing that comes into your head tell the other person.
So, when we got home we sat on the couch and I agreed to go first. Now let me remind you that since Jamie and I got married I have never felt comfortable to pray, worship, or talk about God with Jamie. There has always be a fear to do so.
As Jamie began to pray I pictured a little girl in pigtails swinging on a swing in a back yard. (nothing more, nothing less) Then as Jamie said amen, he asked me what I saw and I told him. Jamie asked if I thought that little girl was me. And not wanting to admit it I said yes. Jamie said okay, let me pray again and we'll see what happens next. So I closed my eyes and as Jamie began to pray I pictured the same thing but this time everyone (family and friends) was playing foot ball while I was swinging. I was swinging watching everyone play but me. (I was to little) Then as Jamie said amen, he asked what I saw and I told him. Then he said okay lets do it again and see what you picture. This time it was the same girl on the swing, but this time it was a birthday party. Everyone was playing in the sprinkler and this little girl was swinging. Then as she looked over she wondered who's birthday party it was. My heart sank. It was mine. At that point Jamie had said amen and asked me what I saw. And I told him. At this point both of us are now a little confused. Neither one of us had done this before and we didn't know if God was showing me these things or I was just remembering childhood. So I told Jamie that I would do it one more time but if God doesn't show what all this means then I didn't want to continue. So, as Jamie began to pray again I saw myself at 23 years old standing in a pitch black room with a Giant (movie) screen in front of me. I threw my hands in the air and asked God what this was supposed to mean. As all three visioned flashed on the screen, REJECTION flashed in red from the bottom left to the top right corner of the screen. Then a bible verse. Philippians 3:8 can on the screen. As Jamie was finishing his prayer I began to cry. Rejection, that's what I have felt my whole life. Jamie asked me what I saw and I proceeded to tell him. I was hesitant on telling him about the bible verse because I didn't want to be some stupid verse that didn't protain to what the visions were. If it didn't protain then it would prove that everything that was just done was fake or not of God.
Philippians 3:8 -
Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ .
As Jamie read this to me I didn't understand what it was saying. Jamie said "Don't you get it, count all that garbage, so that you may gain Christ." Count it garbage. Christ says, "the rejection you felt, I throw that away, because you are accepted by me!"
Now Tell me there is not a God!!! Because there is and He loves me !
Then it was Jamie's turn. I prayed while he shut his eyes. As I said amen I looked up at him and he was weeping. (This was the first time I saw my husband cry) He told me that God took him back to when he was going to kill himself. But this time when he turned around it was Jesus. It was not self survival it was God. Then I prayed again. This time Jamie heard something over and over and over again. "I am always with you, I will never leave you" For Jamie this was monumental.
As you can see this night was life changing.
We finished up praying and said our good byes. On our way home Jamie and I decided to try this "exercise" that Guy had told us about. Guy said, as one of you prays for the other, allow God to show you or tell you something and the first thing that comes into your head tell the other person.
So, when we got home we sat on the couch and I agreed to go first. Now let me remind you that since Jamie and I got married I have never felt comfortable to pray, worship, or talk about God with Jamie. There has always be a fear to do so.
As Jamie began to pray I pictured a little girl in pigtails swinging on a swing in a back yard. (nothing more, nothing less) Then as Jamie said amen, he asked me what I saw and I told him. Jamie asked if I thought that little girl was me. And not wanting to admit it I said yes. Jamie said okay, let me pray again and we'll see what happens next. So I closed my eyes and as Jamie began to pray I pictured the same thing but this time everyone (family and friends) was playing foot ball while I was swinging. I was swinging watching everyone play but me. (I was to little) Then as Jamie said amen, he asked what I saw and I told him. Then he said okay lets do it again and see what you picture. This time it was the same girl on the swing, but this time it was a birthday party. Everyone was playing in the sprinkler and this little girl was swinging. Then as she looked over she wondered who's birthday party it was. My heart sank. It was mine. At that point Jamie had said amen and asked me what I saw. And I told him. At this point both of us are now a little confused. Neither one of us had done this before and we didn't know if God was showing me these things or I was just remembering childhood. So I told Jamie that I would do it one more time but if God doesn't show what all this means then I didn't want to continue. So, as Jamie began to pray again I saw myself at 23 years old standing in a pitch black room with a Giant (movie) screen in front of me. I threw my hands in the air and asked God what this was supposed to mean. As all three visioned flashed on the screen, REJECTION flashed in red from the bottom left to the top right corner of the screen. Then a bible verse. Philippians 3:8 can on the screen. As Jamie was finishing his prayer I began to cry. Rejection, that's what I have felt my whole life. Jamie asked me what I saw and I proceeded to tell him. I was hesitant on telling him about the bible verse because I didn't want to be some stupid verse that didn't protain to what the visions were. If it didn't protain then it would prove that everything that was just done was fake or not of God.
Philippians 3:8 -
Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ .
As Jamie read this to me I didn't understand what it was saying. Jamie said "Don't you get it, count all that garbage, so that you may gain Christ." Count it garbage. Christ says, "the rejection you felt, I throw that away, because you are accepted by me!"
Now Tell me there is not a God!!! Because there is and He loves me !
Then it was Jamie's turn. I prayed while he shut his eyes. As I said amen I looked up at him and he was weeping. (This was the first time I saw my husband cry) He told me that God took him back to when he was going to kill himself. But this time when he turned around it was Jesus. It was not self survival it was God. Then I prayed again. This time Jamie heard something over and over and over again. "I am always with you, I will never leave you" For Jamie this was monumental.
As you can see this night was life changing.
There is light at the end of the tunel
This post will be a long one... My journey with God over the last month.
What I have done is put my story into three blogs; this being the first then the next two to follow. Please read with your offences down. This is my life and my feelings.
Last blog we talked about how I had come to the point of being sick of the "To Do" list in Christianity. At that point I was so amazed at the idea of being in a relationship with God and not going to church. I was sick of going to church, reading my bible, praying, ministering, and pretending to worship. I didn't want God or anything to do with Him. For about 2-3 weeks straight Jamie and I both had many conversations about weather God exist or if we have been manipulated into believing what everyone has told us.
One of the conversations Jamie and I had was about how God has proven to show up in our lives. One of the things that was brought up is when Jamie was living on the street and went to a friend for a place to stay or a couple of bucks. His friend turned him down. At that point Jamie hit bottom and was ready to take his life. As he was walking to cross the street he saw a bus coming down the road and thought to himself what a great opportunity, I'll just jump out in front of this bus; and as he took the step off the curb someone grab him from behind. Not only grabbed him but held onto him, ensuring him that everything was going to be okay. With tears flowing from Jamie's eyes he turned around to thank this guy for saving his life, and as he turned no one was in sight. Was this God, or was it Jamie's survival instincts kicking in?
For those weeks I went through hell. Life without God. I have the most amazing husband, a wonderful family, a great house, a great job. I have what all Americans want but I was sad, depressed, tired all the time, empty, lonely, and lost. Over those two weeks I meet with my mentor and a couple of other mature ladies hoping that one of them would tell me something that would change my heart and I would light back on fire for God, but nothing they could say would change where I was. Marlene my mentor suggested that I get real with God. Tell Him how I feel. Well, let me tell you that the last thing I wanted to do was to talk to something that I didn't even know if I believe in any more. But, I was desperate and did it. I grabbed a kitchen chair and dragged it over to the couch and placed it right in front of me. And as soon as I start to talk I began to weep. I told God or this chair how I felt. I laid it all out there. And I must say that I felt a little better and relived but I still had no desire and was very doubt full.
One night some of our closest friends invited us over for dinner and as soon as I walked in the house I could feel a "warm, comforting feeling". Of course I wouldn't admit that it was the Holy Spirit setting the mood. As we began to eat dinner I became engulfed with emotions. And I just spilled it all out there. I spoke about my frustrations and my doubt. And Jamie began to as well. It was like we took everything inside of us and laid it on the table. Guy and Carrie were unconditionally loving. They spoke truth into us about God. Guy asked us if we wanted to do an exercises with God and we said no. But asked what the exercise was. Guy explained it and at that moment we weren't willing to be vulnerable. Then what was to follow was the life changing experience......
What I have done is put my story into three blogs; this being the first then the next two to follow. Please read with your offences down. This is my life and my feelings.
Last blog we talked about how I had come to the point of being sick of the "To Do" list in Christianity. At that point I was so amazed at the idea of being in a relationship with God and not going to church. I was sick of going to church, reading my bible, praying, ministering, and pretending to worship. I didn't want God or anything to do with Him. For about 2-3 weeks straight Jamie and I both had many conversations about weather God exist or if we have been manipulated into believing what everyone has told us.
One of the conversations Jamie and I had was about how God has proven to show up in our lives. One of the things that was brought up is when Jamie was living on the street and went to a friend for a place to stay or a couple of bucks. His friend turned him down. At that point Jamie hit bottom and was ready to take his life. As he was walking to cross the street he saw a bus coming down the road and thought to himself what a great opportunity, I'll just jump out in front of this bus; and as he took the step off the curb someone grab him from behind. Not only grabbed him but held onto him, ensuring him that everything was going to be okay. With tears flowing from Jamie's eyes he turned around to thank this guy for saving his life, and as he turned no one was in sight. Was this God, or was it Jamie's survival instincts kicking in?
For those weeks I went through hell. Life without God. I have the most amazing husband, a wonderful family, a great house, a great job. I have what all Americans want but I was sad, depressed, tired all the time, empty, lonely, and lost. Over those two weeks I meet with my mentor and a couple of other mature ladies hoping that one of them would tell me something that would change my heart and I would light back on fire for God, but nothing they could say would change where I was. Marlene my mentor suggested that I get real with God. Tell Him how I feel. Well, let me tell you that the last thing I wanted to do was to talk to something that I didn't even know if I believe in any more. But, I was desperate and did it. I grabbed a kitchen chair and dragged it over to the couch and placed it right in front of me. And as soon as I start to talk I began to weep. I told God or this chair how I felt. I laid it all out there. And I must say that I felt a little better and relived but I still had no desire and was very doubt full.
One night some of our closest friends invited us over for dinner and as soon as I walked in the house I could feel a "warm, comforting feeling". Of course I wouldn't admit that it was the Holy Spirit setting the mood. As we began to eat dinner I became engulfed with emotions. And I just spilled it all out there. I spoke about my frustrations and my doubt. And Jamie began to as well. It was like we took everything inside of us and laid it on the table. Guy and Carrie were unconditionally loving. They spoke truth into us about God. Guy asked us if we wanted to do an exercises with God and we said no. But asked what the exercise was. Guy explained it and at that moment we weren't willing to be vulnerable. Then what was to follow was the life changing experience......
Monday, January 5, 2009
Meeting our niece for the first time
After opening presents we went to Grandma's house and then off to meet our niece for the first time. Grandma gave us some cool presents. Selby got a new toy (which she loves and plays with all the time), Jamie also got a toy, a nerf gun. Lucky me....
I got some beautiful earrings.
Selby loved her great grandma !!! Can you tell? :)
Then down to Kathy's.....
Our first Christmas 2008
I had an amazing but difficult Christmas this year. This was my first Christmas without my parents. They went back to Colorado to spend this Christmas with my brother's family. It was definitely different. It didn't really feel like Christmas without my mom in town. No shopping or outdoor lights. At least not until Christmas morning. Then the fun began. It was nice to just have Jamie and I. Although it went allot faster it was amazing! Here's some pics......
We also got lots of cool stuff from Mom Leigh and Uncle Jack and Aunt Linda. We just forgot to take pictures. Thanks everyone for such an amazing first Christmas.
This was Selby helping daddy open her first Christmas gift:
This was a tower of jewelry that my amazing mom got me:
This was my 35 year old husband playing with his helicopter:
This was an awesome fan that the Lockhart family in Colorado got us: as you can tell Jamie LOVES IT!
And this is the damage to our house :)
We also got lots of cool stuff from Mom Leigh and Uncle Jack and Aunt Linda. We just forgot to take pictures. Thanks everyone for such an amazing first Christmas.
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