Whats this all mean?

BEFORE READING THE NEXT TWO POST PLEASE SKIP DOWN TO "THERE IS A LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNEL" THEN READ THE NEXT ONE UP, THEN THIS ONE. IT HAS AN ORDER TO THE STORY. YOU WONT UNDERSTAND THIS BLOG IF YOU DONT READ THE LAST TWO.

So whats this all mean? Everything that I have blogged about.
- Sick of the To Do list

- Not feeling comfortable with Jamie about spiritual stuff

- Rejection

- Questioning God when He has proven himself over and over again

Well, I think that I have figured it out. Growing up I have felt rejected. And what comes with rejection? Striving for peoples approval and attention. So my whole life I have searched for this approval of others. My brother, my dad, my mom, friends, men, drinking, and even wanting children for this unconditional approval.

When I first became a Christ follower I was inadated with this love and approval. I got lots of attention. Well, after 4 years of being a Christ follower this attention has slowly faded. And in order to receive more of this attention I had to become super Christian. I volunteered all the time, I was a prayer worrier, I slowly aloud my relationship with God to become a works based relationship. I would think to myself if I didn't do certain things that God wouldn't "meet me". Not only that, I cared so much about what everyone else thought about me that I believed what "they" told me to believe. This leads into why I was so uncomfortable with Jamie. One of the faiths that I had taken on was one that was completely opposite from what Jamie had believed to be true. So once Jamie and I began dating I was tyring to impress two totally different people. Which as you could imagine was very hard. (Especially when you don't realize what you are doing).

So where am I now with God? Well, slowly finding MY OWN FAITH. Not what my pastor, mentor, friends, say is to be true. But to find out for myself, who is God. The excitement of "counting it all garbage" throwing it all away, to begin my own belief and faith has driven to a deeper longing then ever before to read about Him. Not everyday or in the morning or because someone wants me to, but because I want to know who my God is.