This post will be a long one... My journey with God over the last month.
What I have done is put my story into three blogs; this being the first then the next two to follow. Please read with your offences down. This is my life and my feelings.
Last blog we talked about how I had come to the point of being sick of the "To Do" list in Christianity. At that point I was so amazed at the idea of being in a relationship with God and not going to church. I was sick of going to church, reading my bible, praying, ministering, and pretending to worship. I didn't want God or anything to do with Him. For about 2-3 weeks straight Jamie and I both had many conversations about weather God exist or if we have been manipulated into believing what everyone has told us.
One of the conversations Jamie and I had was about how God has proven to show up in our lives. One of the things that was brought up is when Jamie was living on the street and went to a friend for a place to stay or a couple of bucks. His friend turned him down. At that point Jamie hit bottom and was ready to take his life. As he was walking to cross the street he saw a bus coming down the road and thought to himself what a great opportunity, I'll just jump out in front of this bus; and as he took the step off the curb someone grab him from behind. Not only grabbed him but held onto him, ensuring him that everything was going to be okay. With tears flowing from Jamie's eyes he turned around to thank this guy for saving his life, and as he turned no one was in sight. Was this God, or was it Jamie's survival instincts kicking in?
For those weeks I went through hell. Life without God. I have the most amazing husband, a wonderful family, a great house, a great job. I have what all Americans want but I was sad, depressed, tired all the time, empty, lonely, and lost. Over those two weeks I meet with my mentor and a couple of other mature ladies hoping that one of them would tell me something that would change my heart and I would light back on fire for God, but nothing they could say would change where I was. Marlene my mentor suggested that I get real with God. Tell Him how I feel. Well, let me tell you that the last thing I wanted to do was to talk to something that I didn't even know if I believe in any more. But, I was desperate and did it. I grabbed a kitchen chair and dragged it over to the couch and placed it right in front of me. And as soon as I start to talk I began to weep. I told God or this chair how I felt. I laid it all out there. And I must say that I felt a little better and relived but I still had no desire and was very doubt full.
One night some of our closest friends invited us over for dinner and as soon as I walked in the house I could feel a "warm, comforting feeling". Of course I wouldn't admit that it was the Holy Spirit setting the mood. As we began to eat dinner I became engulfed with emotions. And I just spilled it all out there. I spoke about my frustrations and my doubt. And Jamie began to as well. It was like we took everything inside of us and laid it on the table. Guy and Carrie were unconditionally loving. They spoke truth into us about God. Guy asked us if we wanted to do an exercises with God and we said no. But asked what the exercise was. Guy explained it and at that moment we weren't willing to be vulnerable. Then what was to follow was the life changing experience......
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